It is so sad that symptoms of mania are praised by our culture. This is why it often takes years from the onset of episodes to be diagnosed with bipolar. A lot of the symptoms of mania and hypomania are viewed as positive. I went through three and a half years of on and off mania before being diagnosed. I had no idea that productivity and happiness and creativity and having fun meant I was sick. Depression I could easily understand as a sickness, but with mania it was so different. This has made it so hard for me to stay on meds, because I viewed my manic self as an ideal version of me. I’ve now been on meds consistently for 7 years, but earlier in my diagnosis I would impulsively go off every 6 months and this cycle happened for several years. While manic, I have done 100 hour work weeks making videos for my YouTube channel, uploading full length videos 2-3 times a week. This is seen as a positive thing and helped my career. Mania can make bipolar people so exciting and impulsive and flirtatious and humorous which many non-bipolar people experience as a fun person. This was so hard for me, because it seemed like people preferred the manic version of me. Mania can also cause bipolar people to be more emotionally vulnerable and affirming which leads to deeper conversations and closer relationships. When I was manic, I found that strangers would open up to me about intimate details of their lives and something in my face or how I listened created that trust and vulnerability. I felt so much closer to God when I was manic, because I would read my Bible and pray and sing to God for hours at a time. That connection and vulnerability was a manic symptom called hyper-spirituality, but because I grew up Christian I just thought I was having these amazing spiritual experiences. The biggest thing though was the feeling of happiness and elation. I was the happiest person I’d ever met and life felt amazing when I was manic. It felt like I was seeing life things through a kaleidoscope of diamonds. This is why so many bipolar people go off their medications, because there is a chemical addiction to the mania. After existing that way for years, it was so difficult accepting that who I was while manic caused me permanent brain damage and was harmful to me. As mania builds up with more sleep deprivation it becomes more dangerous and can lead into anger, losing a job or impulse quitting, ruining a marriage, cutting off other relationships, selling possessions, going into debt and having wacky religious experiences. It can be terrifying and completely out of control.
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