Another year has gone by, and I have a few major takeaways I wanted to share. TLDR: I really struggled but am slowly turing this around. I was so desperate to feel wanted again after getting broken up with in Jan. I had never been more in love or felt more understood by anyone I’d ever dated. It hurt to hear the reasons my ex wanted to break up with me, becuase they perfectly reflected all of my deepest insecurities. It looked like I had stopped caring about my own future, and that she was the only thing I cared about. I massively struggled to be organized and on time (untreated adhd) I wasn’t working that much. I still lived at home with my parents, and I often felt like or acted like a victim of my own circumstances. No matter how much someone tells you they will love you no matter what, no woman wants a future caring for a man who acts like a victim. Eventually the stress of college and work compiled with the advice of her therapist and friends, and she dumped me. I had made this woman an idol in my life and God took her away. I was devastated lol. I very quickly found a nice paying full time job (to prove her wrong lol) and reflexivly started chasing after people I honestly shoud’ve left alone. I reverted to my default settings: People pleasing and performace based acceptance (the more someone liked me the better I felt about myself, regarless if it was genuine). I tried dating people casually to try and quickly fill the void of the rejection I felt from my ex. I wanted to feel like I had something valueable to offer people, but it was often at the expense of my own and other’s emotional wellbeing. When you behave a certain way because you think it will make someone like you, just know they will feel betrayed when they find out that you weren’t being yourself. Newsflash, that isn’t being entertaining… that’s lying to people so you can temporarily feel better about yourself. It’s manipulative and hurtful. Its a lot easier to be rejected for not performing what someone wants vs not BEING what someone wants. No matter how many times I tried. The results were still the same, until I finally understood the truth. Nobody can show you love that you will genuinely accept when you fundamentally hate yourself. And no amount of “self love” can change that. Only God can change that false view of yourself, and only if you let Him. Its a long process, and I’m still undergoing changes. Every day I acknowledge God doesn’t love me based on my performance is a good day. Every day that I choose to accept myself for the man God has called me to be is a good day. Every day I don’t perform for the approval of man is a good day. I feel like I am growing closer to my ultimate calling. I feel God guiding me away from the lies that I’m worthless because I am still single. I can do far more untethered than I could ever do tied down. I am now looking for new careers and opportunities to take me wherever God leads, and I couldn’t be more excited! Am I still lonely? Yes. Do I still pray every night for a wife and a family? Yes. Do I need a girlfriend to be successful? No. Am I ready to fall in love again? NO! Am I willing to trust God to lead me where I will grow the quickest and the strongest I have ever been to be his tool to reach lost and anxious people with my talents and gifts? Yes! This was a lot to read, and I hope if you’ve made it this far you consider following. I have written 10 songs about the lessons I’ve learned from this breakup and lonely year that followed it that I hope you’ll stay tuned for! #
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