Emotionally, physically and in the bedroom. Men wait for rock bottom to make REAL changes. I was no exception. I was charged with assault and given a restraining order. One mistake, and I was going to jail. So I began to make changes. Like most men, I replaced the negative, "bad" behavior, with neutral. Meaning, it's normal, not to yell, throw shit, trash the house or hurt your wife. But we're not special, providing baseline normal in our marriage. Often, providing other "bad" behaviors instead: Shutting down, hiding from rejection. Sucking up, begging for forgiveness and throwing blind apologies. Asking her how to fix everything. Looking up to "Mommy" for guidance. After years of neutral... I made a move on Kathryn. She rejected me, saying, "I'm not attracted, not in love, and I'm settling." "You're repulsive." The real rock bottom. I was forced to look at the reflection in the mirror that KATHRYN SAW. I wanted her, she didn't want me: SHE was more desirable. I thought about quitting. But then I clicked. If my changes weren't real for her, what could I DO differently? I learned to flip triggers and pain to positive energy and joy. I flipped defensiveness to patience and understanding. I turned, talking myself up to "prove" I was a great man, to TRULY BECOMING a man I liked seeing in the mirror. I stopped depending on Kathryn to feel worthy and good enough, and found my true identity. Beyond an abusive asshole. I felt pride and left shame behind. So it didn't hurt me when Kathryn didn't believe in me. I watched as new levels of safety, for her, unlocked new levels of intimacy in our marriage. Now, we're best friends, partners, lovers and a true superpower couple. And we laugh about the old guy. Even if the old you ruined everything, you need to know the new you. Be patient and consistent while she gets to know the new you, too. I lay out the step x step I took in my book: DISRUPTING DIVORCE Saving Struggling, Sexless and Toxic Marriages. Get your copy on Amazon by searching Disrupting Divorce.
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