Last March, my daddy died. Eight months later, I made one of the hardest decisions of my life: I stepped away from relationship with my mother and in so doing, set down a burden Iād been carrying for decades. For years, I publicly shared my story of childhood abuse in a religious cult in Moscow, Idaho. But I left out one critical truth: the fact that my own mother orchestrated my abuse by a man 10 years older than me when I was just 13 years old. Even though I witnessed it, it never made sense to me. It probably never will. But one thing finally became clear: I could no longer sacrifice my health and well-being to protect her. While I suffered and struggled through life as a childhood abuse survivor, she lived shieldedānot only by the church that defended my abuser and shunned me and my father, but also by me. I didnāt share the rest of my story to dwell in victimhood, add to the brokenness of the world, or create more pain. But my greatest loyalty lies with my husband and my four children, who deserve a better example than a mother who tolerates and justifies abuse simply because it comes from āfamily.ā The process of untangling my motherās voice from my own has been nothing short of grueling. I didnāt realize it was possible to feel so many emotions at once, or how much of my inner voice had been replaced with hers. After a lifetime of being gaslit, manipulated, and abused, I finally said NO MORE. I donāt expect everyone to understand my decision. Iām the only one who lived my story. Iām the one unraveling the dizzying mess that 37 years of narcissistic abuse created. The thing I thought I could never doācut ties with my mother while she was still aliveābecame the very thing I had to do to save my own life and break the generational chains that bind the women in my family. Walking away from her was agonizing. I wanted to save her. I desperately clung to hope that one day sheād wake up, that the Christian values she claims to live by would take root in her actions. But I no longer had the strength to hold on. Or perhaps Iād finally found the courage to let go. I will always love my mother, but our journey together in this lifetime has ended. I have willingly orphaned myself so my children can have what I never didāa mother who chooses healing, truth, and unconditional love over silence, shame, and abuse. āļøāš„š¦ā¤ļøāš©¹ (If youāre interested, you can read more of my story on my pinned IG post, thereās a link in my bio.)
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