13 Feb 2025 9:31pm “I don’t love you anymore.” I still remember crumpling over, sobbing my eyes out in the kitchen, in response to hearing your sweet voice say those words. It’s been almost a year since that phone call, and I still ache for you. ~ 126 pages. That's how many pages are in the google doc that kept my letters to you, when we first started dating some 4 years ago. The sorrows of my heart, the pains of countless sleepless nights, all on the brink of deletion. I fear it will be deleted soon. It is under the ownership of my old college account, which has since been deactivated, and I can't copy, save, or transfer the doc. Only view it. Perhaps this is good, perhaps it is time to let go. But part of me really wishes I could keep this doc. It's like losing my diary, my memories. It just felt nice knowing it was there in the background. It feels like more loss. I miss those nights of fighting and pain, because that was a part of our story where we still loved each other. I didn't know it at the time, but all those letters I wrote you were so precious and I wish I could go back to when I was writing them and do things differently. Maybe I wouldn't have hurt you, maybe you wouldn't have search for someone better. I can't believe I'm writing like this again. I haven't ached like I do in this moment, in a long time. I must end this on a positive note. If I truly loved you, then I would be happy you are with a good man now. Someone who loves you and is patient with you, who is willing to sacrifice and provide and protect you. Fuck man I just wish that was me not him. I miss the way you kissed me goodnight. I miss the way it felt to hug you tightly on as we looked at Christmas lights in the cold winter air. I miss how it felt to hold your hand as I drove us to San Diego and back. I need to let go but the best I can do is simply forget and move on. I can't bring myself to talk about my sadness over you with my friends who've known me, for I have exhausted their sympathies for this matter long ago. I find small joys in building my body, my other friendships, and my social media. Yet I still find myself wishing the spam calls on my phone where from you calling from a fake number, like I used to do to you. Random things like a "go pro footage of a firefighter" youtube video or an old picture taken during the period we were in love, or simply lying on my side at night and wishing I was hugging you, trigger me. Even changing my bedsheets and seeing the stains on the mattress reminds me of you. Perhaps when my life gets better, and I get a new job and move somewhere new and meet new people, I will be able to remember all we had in a fond but detached way. I hope I won't yearn for you anymore. You hurt me so much ________, but you also gave me so much good. Thank you for that. I am so sorry for hurting you in all the ways that I did. I hope you and him succeed and are good to each other. May you prosper and live old. Goodbye my lemon cardboard.
#breakups #pain #yearning #illalwaysloveyou