While I know blaming the past version of me who took advantage of the ability to eat isn’t helpful, it is so hard not to grieve the life I could’ve had. Today kicked off ED Awareness Month, and this month holds a lot of emotions for me. In all of these clips and photos, I was struggling. I look back at those and I look “healthy” and “happy.” In the past two years after choosing recovery for myself, I developed chronic illnesses that caused me to lose my ability to eat and left me relying on a feeding tube. While I am so, SO grateful for adequate nutrition, it is so hard having to grieve the body I had that could digest and absorb food. I have had to work so hard in therapy to accept that my relationship with food is never going to look how I dreamed of. The spontaneous, impromptu dinner dates with friends will never happen. Walking around Target and seeing a snack or new food that sounds really good and getting it with no guilt because I am honoring my cravings will never happen. Don’t get me wrong: you could not pay me enough to go back to how my life was in my ED. All of these clips/photos are just what I wanted people to see. I just miss that version of me because my stomach was able to digest all of the amazing food. I will miss that version of my body every single day. Not a day will go by where I don’t blame myself in some way, shape, or form. While I am so proud of how far I’ve come in my recovery, my heart breaks knowing just how much I’ve lost out on life from my ED. I took my health for granted, and I wish my younger self knew then what I know now. Your health is a gift. Your ED is lying to you. You are beautiful and worthy of so much love and care despite the size of your body. You are NOT too much. You are perfect exactly the way you are.
#edrec0very #MentalHealthAwareness #mentalhealthmatters #EDAwareness #haes #healthateverysize #grief #grievingjourney #chronicillness #gastroparesis #intestinaldysmotility #chronicillnessawareness #posturalorthostatictachycardiasyndrome #chronicallyill